Bowls Humour
Do you have any bowls related jokes? If so send them to: tomkeenan@tkinternet.com and we will post them on this page. Keep it clean if you want them posted, 'if not, send them anyway!'
This weeks offering:
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The editor informs her that there is a charge of £1 per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Fred Brown died: bowls equipment for sale.'"
The Vault
- On their honeymoon a husband confesses a secret to his new wife. "Darling, I'm a bowls fanatic," he says. "You'll never see me at the weekends and all our holidays will be at bowls tournaments." "I've got a confession too," replies his new wife. "I'm a hooker." "That's ok," replies the husband. "Just concentrate on your aiming point and take a bit more grass."
- "IF "
If you can always roll the jack, right at your skipper's feet,
If you can always draw the shot, the one that must be beat.
When asked to play a 'yard on' do you judge it to perfection?
And when you're called to drive, can you always make correction?
If you can come up smiling when the other bloke,
Puts your good shot out of play and treats it as a joke.
If you're the one who saves the day, I'll say to you my son,
"You're a bloody hero, what's more the only one!"
- A bowler turned up at his club to play, wearing one brown and one white bowls shoe. The club secretary drew the players attention to his irregular dress attire. The bowler seemed perplexed, responding, "That's strange I've got another pair exactly the same at home !".
- Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
- "I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I’ve made in years".
- Pat requested his Church to check if they played bowls in Heaven.
After a week the Priest approached Pat with the answer.
He said, "I have good news and bad news".
Pat said, "Tell me the good news first".
The Priest said, "The good news is that they do play bowls in Heaven".
"What's the bad news ?", said Pat.
The Priest said, "Well Pat, the word is out that your name is down for the pairs next Saturday".
- After the second played his last bowl he followed his wood up the rink, but collapsed near the head clutching his chest! The other team members shouted down to the skip to help them to move the player to the bank where they could give him CPR, "no it's ok!" replied the skip, "I can draw round him!"
- In a league match the skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. “Where’s our nearest bowl?”.
“In your hand!”, answered the skip.
-
Four bowlers were out on the green practicing. As one of them was about to bowl towards the end next to the main road, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler on the mat removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, one of the other three said, “You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen.”
The other bowler answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!".
- Lead: "How short is my bowl?"
Skip: "You ought to know, your closer to it"
- The lads had arranged to have a practice session before the big match.
Sunday morning was chosen and they all arrived on time except Harry.
When he finally arrived, the others all asked;"what kept you ?"
Well " It was a toss-up as to whether I went to church or joined you blokes bowling", Harry replied.
" That shouldn't have taken long ", said the skip.
" Well it did, I had to toss 13 times".
- The 4 ups in Bowls."
Skips must be up.
Thirds must measure up.
Seconds must chalk up.
Leads must shut up.
- Keen bowler was on trial for killing his wife. During the trial he broke down and admitted his guilt.
"How did you kill her asked the judge?"
"I threw 3 bowls at her!", replied the husband."
"3 bowls ?" queried the judge.
"Yes. On the first 2, I forgot to follow through."
- A man has been drinking at his bowling club after playing a terrible match. On the way home his car is pulled over by the police who tell him he is to drunk to drive. "Too drunk to drive!" responds the bowler. "I can barely draw."
- The local police arrested two old bowlers leaving the club yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
So they charged one and let the other one off.
- KITTY AND JACK
(** note: Kitty is an Australian feminine term for the jack **)
My husband took up bowling
and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty
whom he couldn't leave alone
He played with Kitty
he stayed with Kitty
he picked her up without a hitch
He missed Kitty
he kissed Kitty
he even layed beside her in the ditch
So I took up bowling
to win my hubby back
and found that what he could do with Kitty,
I could do with Jack
- One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up', she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went and had a game of bowls.
- Up and down, walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking
Shifting mats - keeping score,
Thirty ends, maybe more,
Aching back - tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he’s the marker!
- I rang up my local bowling club, I said "Is that the local bowling club?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
- The doc said I have tennis elbow and I thought I was playing bowls!
- Drive for show, Draw for dough, Wick for comic relief.
